Drowning
by CurledRibbons
Summary: Blaine is drowning. He doesn't know what to do or how to tell anyone. Will he make it through? (Triggers for depressed!blaine, blaine-centric with klaine)
1. Prologue

**A/N: So I'm attempting a multi-chapter fic again. This one is Blaine-centric and inspired, as most things are, by a post on tumblr speculating about Blaine having depression.**

**So, triggers for depression – I'll let you know if anything else comes up.**

**This fic is mostly based off the experiences I've had dealing with my depression over the past two years. Depression changes with every person, so I'm going to write this true to what I know.**

**If you ever have any questions throughout the course of this fic, please feel free to pm me here or on tumblr. Even if you just need someone to vent to, you can come chat with me.**

**I love you all.**

**I don't own glee.**

Blaine has no one.

His parents are well…absent. Kurt's gone. But Kurt had to go. It was what was best. So Blaine plastered on a smile, sang him a song, and hugged and kissed him goodbye. On the outside, he seemed cool, calm and collected. But, on the inside he was a wreck.

Kurt and Blaine promise each other to call every day and all those other typical things couples say before the long distance starts. Blaine smiles brightly until Kurt leaves to head off to the airport.

And that's when Blaine's disguise drops. He runs up the stairs to his room and jumps under the covers, wrapping himself in a cocoon, not even bothering to turn the lights on.

It's been like this most days. That dragging feeling that makes him want to curl up under the covers and never face the world. And that's what he does.

Blaine doesn't have friends – he knows this. The guys from Dalton don't even facebook him anymore and he doesn't feel like a real part of New Directions, even though he's been selected to be lead soloist. All he had was Kurt.

And Kurt was that bright spot. His bright spot was gone.

Blaine stays under the covers until the next morning when his alarm goes off.

_Fuck it,_ he thinks. _I'm not going to school. Why bother?_

He spends the rest of the day watching movies, eating and lying in bed. He feels numb.

…

The next day Blaine goes to school because Kurt called last night and even though they only made small talk, it made Blaine feel a little less numb.

He plasters on his dapper, controlled face and makes it through the entire day, singing and dancing in glee.

But someone notices something wrong because afterwards Sam comes up to him and asks if everything's all right and if he's okay.

And Blaine nods. Because he's fine.

There's nothing wrong with him.

**A/N: It's just a short prologue but there will be more to come, hopefully tomorrow. I'm going to try to give myself about a week to update but as soon as my college apps are out, it's going to be much quicker.**

**I'm also working on a oneshot revolving around 4x04 so I'll add a quick note on here when it's up.**

**I hope everyone's okay after the emotional glee. **

**Please review here or on my tumblr (curledribbons)**

**Thank you for reading.**


	2. 1

**A/N: I'm back and I've plotted out how the rest of this story is going to go so I should be doing weekly-ish updates. I'm in the middle of doing college apps, but I should be done soon, so I'll have lots of time on my hands to write. I hope you all enjoy.**

**Again, triggers for depression. This is based on my personal battle with depression over the past two years. Depression is not a universal thing, so it may differ from other's stories. This story is like a part of my therapy right now. It's helping me to work through the little blocks I have reached (despite getting much, much better over the past year) Anyways, I'm rambling, so I'll get you get to reading.**

**Thank you to everyone who's favorite, followed or reviewed. I hope you enjoy.**

**I don't own Glee or any Glee characters.**

…

Blaine decides to run for class president. He's hoping that he can make Kurt proud by getting the presidency over Brittany. It's bad that that's his only motivation, Blaine knows, but he wants Kurt to notice him because it's been hard. Kurt hasn't had a lot of time to talk and when he does, it's all about Kurt and New York. Blaine's hoping that if he wins the election Kurt will ask him about how he's doing.

Blaine desperately wants someone to notice that he's not alright, despite the fact that he insists he's fine whenever Sam asks. Mr. Schue doesn't care – he's too busy dealing with the fact that Mrs. Pillsbury left him.

Kurt doesn't even notice – his boyfriend, his best friend, doesn't even notice that Blaine smiles a little less, doesn't laugh like he used to...

Blaine's hoping that winning the presidency will get Kurt to notice him and also help him stop being so sad.

So, he and Sam work hard on their campaign and posters, hanging out after school to finish things and becoming closer. Sam's become like a brother to him. They laugh about how dorky they are as they watch "The Avengers" together and scream at the tv. Sam also seems to be the only one that notices that something's different with Blaine. He doesn't push about it though, and Blaine's thankful for that.

Blaine barely notices that his grades go down. He doesn't really _feel_ like doing his homework, so he doesn't. Instead, Blaine works on his campaign, writes letters that he will never send to Kurt and finds a website called tumblr. He creates an account and blogs pictures that he thinks are pretty and things about comic books. He gets a small following and each follower makes him smile for a little bit. He connects with another blogger from Ohio, who says his name is Eli. Blaine immediately starts to trust him as they exchange messages back and forth.

But, back in the real world, Blaine is still trying to connect with Kurt more. It's hard and he knows that Kurt has a rigorous work schedule, but Blaine really just wants to talk to his boyfriend.

On the bright side, Blaine won the election. He expects to feel more excited than he really does. He fakes the excitement in front of everyone, but he doesn't really care. What does it matter? It's not like he made a difference. The only reason people voted for him was because Brittany said she would keep everyone in school all year, not because they like him or who he is.

He wants to tell Kurt though – wants to hear Kurt excited for him, but all of his attempts to contact Kurt end in him leaving long messages on Kurt's answering machine. He tells the other Glee kids that Kurt's super excited for him – he doesn't want them to think any less of Kurt.

….

When Blaine goes home from his celebration party, he nods to his parents before running up the stairs into his room. He doesn't want to make his night any worse by talking to them.

Blaine locks the door to his room – he can get up in the morning by himself – and climbs under the covers. He crawls into a fetal position and texts Kurt.

_Call me? xoxo_

He gets no response after 30 minutes of staring at his phone so he throws it to a corner of his room and grabs his laptop, logging onto tumblr.

Eli's online, so they send fan mails back and forth. Blaine tells him about the election results and Eli's genuinely excited. He also tells Eli about how Kurt's ignoring him. Eli tells him:

_If he won't pick up your calls, no matter what he's doing, he's not worth it. He's not worth you._

__Blaine responds immediately, of course, saying that Kurt is worth it, that Kurt is his life. Eli drops the subject after that and Blaine soon decides to go to bed.

…

In the morning, Blaine barely has the energy to get himself out of bed. He does though, because his parents will get upset if he doesn't.

Blaine goes through the motions of taking a shower, but doesn't gel his hair. When he stands in front of his closet, he doesn't feel like taking the time to put on his usual outfits, to go through the motions of tying the bowtie around his neck.

Instead, he puts on an old pair of grey sweatpants and a blue t-shirt.

It's easier to deal with them anyways.

Blaine heads downstairs to grab some breakfast. His mother is sitting at the table and she eyes what he's wearing.

"Blaine, dear," she begins, "You look a bit…like a slob. Go put on different clothes." His mother has always been concerned with what he wears, trying to get him to look the nicest he can every day. After all, she is a business woman and believes that first impressions start purely with clothes. But Blaine doesn't want to deal with that today. He doesn't want to look nice. There's no one to look nice for anyways.

He looks at her for a minute, then says, "No, Mother. I wanna wear these today so I'm going to." She purses her lips, raises her eyebrows and then stands up. She was never one to pursue a fight. He watches her walk away, her stiletto heels clicking. Blaine can feel the sting of her judgment as she leaves the room, but tries to brush it off.

He goes to the freezer and pulls out a bagel, popping it into the microwave for a minute. Blaine's always loved to watch the seconds tick down on the microwave. When he was younger, Blaine thought that it was funny to watch the microwave tick down seconds until what he claimed was the end of the food's lifetime. His mother, of course, squashed that imaginative thought right away, but Blaine never stopped watching the numbers. Now, he watches them tick down until his bagel is ready, willing the numbers to go slower, just so he won't have to go to McKinley.

But the microwave beeps and he sighs as he clicks open the door and takes the bagel out. Without any regrets, Blaine grabs Nutella and spreads a thick layer on both halves of the bagel. He eats slowly, trying to waste time.

His mother walks back into the room as he's putting his dishes away. She eyes his clothes with disgust before stating, "Blaine you need to leave now or you'll be late." She says nothing as he sighs, lifts his backpack and heads towards his car. She doesn't even say goodbye to him.

…

When he reaches school, Blaine heads straight to his locker and to his first class. He doesn't even bother to say hello to anyone.

As he sits down, he realizes that he didn't do any of the homework that was assigned for today. When the teacher asks for the homework, he doesn't hand anything in.

He'll do it tonight, he tells himself. He'll do it tonight and hand it in tomorrow.

Second period goes by in a similar fashion. Now Blaine has two classes that he has to make up work in.

Luckily, he didn't need any work for third period, so he sits and takes minimal notes while the teacher lectures. He sees Sam give him worried looks throughout the class. Blaine isn't acting like himself. Blaine just takes notes, willing the period to be over as soon as possible.

When it is, he slips out, hoping that Sam won't catch up to him. Blaine gets to his locker and thinks he's safe from questions, until he hears:

"Blaine, can we talk?" It's Sam.

"Sure." Blaine tries to keep the façade of a confident person up so Sam thinks that everything's alright.

"Um…you've been a bit weird lately. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, definitely," Blaine responds without a single second's beat.

"You sure?" Sam asks, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes."

"You're fine?"

"I'm fine." Sam shrugs his shoulders and walks away, leaving Blaine alone. Blaine's thankful for that. He grabs his lunch money and buys a crappy sandwich before sitting at the end of the Glee table. He eats slowly, always with a bite of food in his mouth so he won't have to talk to anyone.

As the others converse and laugh, Blaine pulls out his cellphone.

There's still no text from Kurt. Blaine sighs, before sending another message.

_I miss you. And I'm class president so that's pretty cool. Okay. I'll let you get back to work. Love you. xoxo_

He sends it and then stands up, making an excuse about needing to see a teacher when the rest of the glee kids ask where he's going. Instead, Blaine signs himself out of school. He doesn't want to be there for the rest of the day and he feels kinda sick so Blaine rationalizes that it's better that he leaves.

He hops in his car and goes home. He does the homework he missed and what's due tomorrow, before crawling under the covers to watch movies on his laptop and go onto tumblr.

And all he can do is try to reassure himself. _I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine_ is all Blaine can think for the rest of the night.

**A/N: There you go. I hope you enjoyed it. Next chapter should be up next week.**

**Please review here or at my tumblr (curledribbons). I hope you all have a great week.**


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